Getting Granny on Crack

I rushed over to Granny’s yesterday, shaking with fear.

Just as I expected – the old dear was having her nightly sip of sherry.

“No Granny,” I shouted, ripping the glass out of her hand and pouring the contents down the sink.

“Don’t you know that this stuff is worse for you than heroin, crack, cocaine, magic mushrooms, anabolic steroids and ecstasy?”

“Ere, I’ve been drinking my glass of sherry for 80 years and it ain’t done me no harm,” complained my Gran.

“It’s official – a study in the Lancet says it’s bad for you,” I shouted in exasperation.

“Is he a doctor, the person who says this?”

“Not just a doctor – a Professor!”

“Well, it must be true then,” my gran sighed. “What am I going to do instead?”

Fortunately, I had prepared a reduced harm starter drug kit to replace Gran’s alcohol content.

“This is a crack pipe, with a small quantity to get started,” I explained. “These is a needle with heroin. This powder is amphetamines – don’t get it confused with the heroin – and these little tabs here are ecstasy. Oh, and you can boil these mushrooms up into a tea. Don’t use it all up at once.”

This was just my first step to saving the nation’s victims of alchol after reading shocking new revelations about alcohol from the Lancet.

According to the report, alcohol ranks a shocking 72 out of 100 in terms of damage to health. That’s compares to 55 for heroin, 54 for crack – and a mere 9 for ecstasy! Magic mushrooms carry less than 10% of the risk of alcohol, measuring in at 5.

The implication is clear – alcohol users should immediately switch to lower risk alternatives such as heroin, crack and ecstasy.

Steps I am taking include:

  • campaigning for our local pub to be shut down and a crack den to be set up in its place
  • lecturing school children on the danger of alcohol and providing them with safer starter drug kits to be used as a substitute for alochol
  • starting an organisation of drug addicts to educate alcohol users about how to use lower-risk drug alternatives

It’s too late for my gran, unfortunately, who sadly passed away last night, surrounded by a pile of illicit drugs. Obviously the years of alcohol abuse (on Christmas she would sometimes have two glasses of sherry!!!) had got to her…

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