The Top Ten Most Bizarre Ways to Quit Smoking

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by: James Dunworth
A man lies slumped next to a nearly empty bottle of whisky.

Try a sip of whisy every time you want a fag.

Except for those few brave die-hards amongst us everyone has, at one time or another tried, to quit smoking. As we all know the internet is awash with tips on how to give up the evil weed. For example, putting the money you would spend on cigarettes away to save up for a treat, or smothering yourself in nicotine patches.

I personally once quit smoking for a whole two weeks without using any of the prescribed techniques you read about. Now I reckoned that I only smoked for something to do with my hands and ultimately as a distraction from my boring life. So I decided that every time I wanted a cigarette I would have a little glass of whisky instead. For two alcohol sozzled weeks I was as happy as a newborn lamb until what can only be described as an Intervention by my friends and family. So ho hum back on the fags.

But it did make me think what other bizarre ways there are to stop smoking….

1: Drink Whisky

My personal favourite. As everyone knows drinking alcohol makes you happier, better looking, more coherent in any given social situation and never aggressive.

You don’t have to stick to just whisky there are a myriad of drinks available for the person trying to quit smoking. Why not vary your drinking with vodka, schnapps or possibly even lambrusco and, as your money dwindles away, cheap cider, special brew and everyone’s favourite Meths.

In any opinion poll you care to look at it has been proven 9 out of 10 bosses and significant others like being around drunk people.

2: Hide your cigarettes on a monkey.

How can you smoke if you can’t get to your cigarettes? Monkey’s being agile little beggars and all.

Think of all the added exercise you’ll get having to climb trees and swing between branches

Enjoy the experience of chasing your monkey more by dressing up as Tarzan or humming ‘I’m the king of the swingers.’

It’s a well known fact that monkeys never throw their scat and rarely carry the umbilo virus.

3: Live underwater

Why no one has tried this more often is beyond me. It’s the perfect way to quit with no drawbacks at all; it’s hard enough to smoke a fag in the rain let alone 20 feet under the sea.

Recently the Maldives Parliament had a meeting under the sea to highlight the dangers of the tide rising due to global warming. So really you’ll be getting practice in for when we are all living in a Kevin Costner inspired Water World.

Also, if spending most of your time underwater is good enough for Daryl Hannah in Splash it should be good enough for you.

4: Become a NASA astronaut

Sticking to the ‘go where you can’t smoke’ theme why not try space. Your fingers will be less wrinkly than under the sea and in space no one can hear you crave fags: or something like that.

Oxygen is generally at a premium in space so they will take a dim view of you lighting up.

It is very difficult to pop out for a quick ciggy on the Mir space station.

Also, after becoming a professional footballer an astronaut is the next easiest thing to be.

5: Get caught stealing twice.

Granted this would only really work in one of those countries that rigorously practices Sharia law but it’s difficult to use a lighter with no hands.

Not only would being handless lead to you smoking less think of all the wonderful opportunities in the exciting, cut and thrust world of begging that would be open to you.

Also, you may be able to start a burgeoning film career as an extra in one of those sword and blood Mel Gibson type films where limbs are cut off during all those battle scenes.

Other ideas to help you quit.

6: Get stuck in an airport for years like Tom Hanks did in that stupid film of his.

7: Decide to leave quitting for another 10 years, by which time it will be banned everywhere anyway, except for under a blanket in a field at midnight.

8: Go to every shop in your home town putting up posters with your face on which say ‘Do not serve this person’.

9: Wear some sort of flammable suit.

And finally the most bizarre way to quit smoking:

10: Cold Turkey.

Alternatively, just try an ecig!

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