The 20 Weirdest Ways to Quit Smoking
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by: James Dunworth

Ever since I read about the man who went to live on a deserted island to try and quit smoking (more on that shortly!), I’ve been fascinated by the more bizarre ways people have tried to quit smoking. Believe it or not, all of the methods below have been suggested somewhere on the net or used in attempts to quit smoking.

Please note: I do not (necessarily) recommend any of the methods below, and in particular I take no responsibility for the actions of angry silver backed gorillas…

1. Self-Hypnosis

Hypnotic colours.

When Sheila Sidney Bender’s friend wanted to quit smoking, Sheila offered to help. Her attempt to hypnotise her friend ended in failure – for her friend. Two weeks later Sheila noticed that she no longer smoked, or wanted to! 30 years later, she’s still off the fags.

2. Lock yourself in a cage with a silver backed gorilla.

A dour looking gorilla.

If you thought ASH (who have called for the death penalty for smokers) were extreme anti-smokers, you never tried puffing in front of a silver backed gorilla. These big bastards are extremely sensitive to smoke. Lock yourself in a small place with them and you’ll either be a non-smoker – or dead.

3. Electrocute yourself

electric chair

Smoking’s bad – so what you should do is electrocute yourself every time you fancy a cigarette. (While a 9 volt battery is recommended we think the electric chair pictured above would be even more effective. Although also rather final!)

4. Use Dave the hypnotic dog to help you stop smoking

Nuff’ said!

5. Say you will quit smoking if one million people like your facebook page

facebook-page

Divert the attention of the world away from caring about stuff like starving children and focus them on something more important – YOU and your inability to quit!

6. Eat your cigarettes.

Cigarettes stubs ready for eating.

Some anti-smokers recommend you eat cigarettes to put yourself off them.

And this is what happens when you eat one:

7. Castaway

desert island

At least choose a warm island!

Businessman Geoff Spice was so desperate to quit smoking he marooned himself on a deserted island, spending 4 weeks in solitude without electricity or water. Note deserted island, not desert island – he chose the outer Hebrides rather than the Caribbean! Read the full story here!

8. Bankrupt yourself

Bankrupt yourself.

It doesn’t appeal personally, but basically you get rid of all your money and then you have no money to buy fags. Or eat, pay the mortgage, buy a present for your kids e.t.c. but hey, if that’s what it takes…

Image Source: Wiki Commons

9. Get yourself beaten up

Boy getting beaten up.

Anti-smoker violence is common – and some smokers have even been killed. If you are not willing to wait until someone attacks you out of the blue, why not pay someone to stalk you and beat you every time you take a drag?

10. Accept bribes

Quit and win.

No, not from your Mum. The British government has bribed pregnant Scottish mothers to quit – with food vouchers worth £12.50. They’ve also offered £15.00 vouchers to kids to stop smoking (unfortunately, kids promptly took up smoking just so they could quit and get the vouchers. Stupid government, smart kids.)

Twelve quid vouchers sound mean? Well, with the Quit and Win foundation you could win ten thousand dollars for giving up the weed.

10. Stick needles in yourself

Acupuncture.

Otherwise know as acupuncture. Unlike some of the other methods mentioned here, it can actually work. (Image above from Wiki Commons.)

12. Stick a baby dummy in your gob

pacifier

It may sound humiliating, but it works for Liz Hurley!

13. Smoke something else

cannabis

Replace your tobacco habit with a different smoking habit!

15. Eat dog biscuits

Dog biscuits.

dog biscuit.

Every time you fancy a fag, eat  a dog biscuit. It worked for one girl!

16. Become President of the US

barack obama

You thought Obama became President of the US to help people? Nope, it was a bet between Michelle and himself – if he could become President he would quit smoking. And he did. Unfortunately, this will only work for only one person every four years, which is a bit of bummer for the other two billion smokers out there…

(It’s also rumoured that Obama has vaped an e-cigarette!)

17. Tweeting

twitter screen grab

George Michael managed to stop smoking by taking up tweeting. Apparently, it filled in the gap between smoking.

Tech Crunch also like the idea – but then they would.

18. Smoke until you puke

cigarettes

This is one method which I didn’t find on the net, but was a story from school. One kid was caught smoking. His parents locked him in the broom cupboard, and made him smoke until he vomited. Apparently it was effective…

19. Tell your better half that your mother-in-law can come and stay if she catches you smoking again

Mother-in-Law.

20. Winner: Taking drugs that make you a homicidal, suicidal maniac

Finally, the most bizarre method of all. Alter the structure of your brain to deny yourself pleasure, cause yourself weird dreams and side effectsand risk becoming a homicidal maniac who will kill both those you love and yourself.

It’s also the only widely used measure of all of those listed here and is, of course, taking chantix/champix. Check out the side effects in the advert below!

Think of any more? Let me know in the comments below!

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3 Responses to “The 20 Weirdest Ways to Quit Smoking”

  1. John August 16, 2011 at 4:03 am #

    Wow, these are rather extreme ways of trying to quit smoking! I’d rather stick to my e-cigarettes, thank you very much!

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